You are welcome to read the best pieces of poetry written by me within the past six years, the period when I was known as April Avalon. The pieces are categorized by the subject and the time of release and posted in a chronological order for your convenience. Everything that has happened to me since I was a 17-year old adolescent is reflected on this page and open for everyone to read. Enjoy!
2007 - 2008. Adolescence. Melancholy. Love at second sight.
A Story Without an End
"Me, love and you... Three halves of something whole,
If one is missing, everything is clear."
These words can paint the sorrow in my soul,
But once bright colors fade away in years.
Once sweet anticipation of your arms,
A shard of dreams, by now has turned to fear
Of someone else's charm.
I give you everything I have and treasure.
But I have nothing. Love is nothing, too.
Love's non-existing, as it has no measure.
I've lost my faith in it. But not in you.
This verse is just another ode to Pothos -
The guise of my own heart-wrecked destiny.
I still believe in faith, but is it worth it?
Fate's given up on me.
I have convinced us both the feeling faded,
And it is a deceptive honest lie.
At least, I - devastated, torn and jaded -
Was truly independent in your eyes.
If love's opposed to freedom - it's in dreaming -
Then love and dreams don't make one sacred whole.
And so, my past completely lost its meaning...
If I exist - and had this past at all.
Forever. Yours.
This lonely day has turned into night,
I feel my heart explode in my chest.
One bitter tear sparks in my eye,
The soul behind it knows no rest.
The light of one more candle is gone,
Reality is scaring my hope,
And through the night I'll be all alone...
But I will keep the promise. I'll cope.
The night. The day.
The miles. Away.
The waiting. Hard.
So frail. Apart.
The dusk. The dawn.
Afraid. Unknown.
Still lost. No way.
Alone. Again.
But everything we're going through
Is bond to leave a mark on my heart.
This mark will bind our lives, me and you.
Tomorrow will be a new start.
I'll shield you from the sword of your fate,
And, bleeding, I will fight for you, still,
The one it took you long to create
Will heal you by one movement of will.
Your eyes. The light.
Arms broken. Fight.
My heart. My hand.
Love. Till the end.
The promise. Here.
With you. No fear.
New ways. New doors.
Forever. Yours.
Hope-less
Deceptive freedom. Honest lies.
A charming, yet so dreadful guise.
Forgotten memories. Two hearts
Are in my chest, both torn apart.
Strong weakness of a wilted rose.
My two reflections, one disclosed.
A shadow of changing shapes.
The sorrow of different shades.
A bleeding wrist of strangers'faith.
A crystal tear on no one's face.
Odd soulless hearts in mystic frames,
You have no voices, know no shame!
Just when you're dumb, your words are true.
I'm hopeless. Well. But who are you??
You're nothingness behind green eyes,
Mistakes that never happen twice.
You're just a riddle for a day
To figure out - and stay away
From all this simply perfect mess,
Where I am hope, and you - are less.
Hourglass
The pages of the years
Are crying of the same;
The words - the silent sounds - remind of you,
I'm counting days
By just extracting from dimension 'love'
Dimension 'pain'.
And I'll forget you, love,
Just when a blind man draws
One sound on the non-existing wall,
One of a rose
That's falling quietly on the castle's floor,
No longer whole.
Through all the darkest nights
I'll have your worst nightmares,
I'll be your one eternal candle's light,
I'm always there -
We breathe the same and so much filled with love
October air.
And when the ages die,
The broken hourglass -
The symbol of the battle 'Love and Time'-
Will speak of us.
The world, no longer knowing what is love,
Will speak of us.
Novel
This open book without an ending
Is everything my life reminds of.
You, shallow souls, were just pretending -
You're out of touch, I'm out of mind now.
I was a slave of my devotion,
A pillow for your worthless tears,
And you just played with my emotions,
Then in a moment disappeared.
I gave you all my heart to treasure -
You marked it with your footprints, dirty.
But it's your loss that can't be measured,
And nevermore your lies will hurt me!
The novel's waiting for your ending,
Fresh rumors - what is more exciting?
I'll laugh at you and keep pretending
I can't make out your handwriting.
Scarred
It is just another sleepless night,
It's the breath of spring that we await.
One more gulp of wine, and I'm all right,
One more secret till it's way too late.
One more song for no one's reached your ears,
But you think it's happened by mistake.
Every time by chance you see me near,
But you've got another heart to break.
I'm a lover, killed by you for good,
I'm the endless beauty you can't face,
I'm the myth you've never understood,
I'm the pill no spirit can replace.
I'm your muse and demon, but your pride,
I'm the word that's missing in your song,
I still feel like I'm a scar you hide,
Otherwise you'd tell me I am wrong.
Shadow of Sorrow
My lonely freedom is a mask,
I'm devastated by my shadow;
It's not less charming, yet so shallow,
A beautiful deceptive mess.
The shadow will disappear
Just when the darkness reigns our place.
But through this darkness my true face
Will be obscure - unless you're here.
And when you find me living dead,
The glance of ice will melt completely,
My sorrow is quelled so sweetly -
You've shown me life with no regret.
You strive - I strive, you fall - I follow,
Wherever you go, so do I.
Behind the shadow of sorrow
You've seen just me and brought to life.
Wonder If It Is Love
Once sparkling eyes never know tranquility,
Searching of you in the empty streets
Of The city that never sleeps,
Just as I won't sleep this night.
I'm a slave of my own devotion,
Sinking in tender warmth,
Falling into your arms...
But it's just in my swollen mind.
I keep thinking if it is love,
And I wonder if love has brakes.
No way! Even if it had,
Now and then would still be too late.
I'm a prisoner of my pride
That's dissolved in your skin's sweet scent.
I could draw you if I was blind -
It's your face that I can't forget.
A calm ocean and a shore -
That is what we once used to be:
Always close, though never whole,
Now you hardly remember me.
And my life is a damned card game,
Just a patience that's in your hands.
But you simply refuse to play.
Well, you choose, as you have this strength.
2008 – 2009. Sociopolitical poetry
A Desperate City
Hello to you from the gray gloomy city,
Where crowds unconsciously worship despair,
Indulging in dangers of constant self-pity
With naive belief in the world's being fair.
They have no trust in a man's inner power,
And fortitude sounds like something unknown.
They have no poets, just ones of an hour,
Who drown at once in the thoughts of their own.
With greed they consume plain illusions for dinner,
And dress them with lies when they serve the new dishes
To those so-called 'pathological sinners'
Who find someone else's delusions delicious.
They have Friday liter-mates rather than friends
To mark that the week of no favor is ending,
But even with glasses of spirits in hands
They look worse than misery. Are they pretending?
Alien
The cradle of despair.
The ever-winter air.
Is anybody there,
Beneath this dreadful moon
Evoking thirst for tears?
I'm screaming - no one hears.
I breathe the same old fear
That I'll be dying soon.
My soul strays and hovers,
My heart is under covers,
My lonely secret lovers -
The clouds and the sea -
Can grant me no salvation
Within my heart's temptation.
In this dilapidation
I see no way to flee.
Damn
Dive into your own damned lake,
Take the turn - I'm going straight.
Your intended failed mistake
Has defined your only fate.
No, I cannot stop the herd,
I can't drain your ego's gall.
I can neither beat one nerd
Nor by words defeat them all.
But my keen and poignant phrase
Does reveal my only wish:
Live your own rusty days,
Poison your fucked up damned dish!
In your masks you look the same,
As perfection cheats on you.
You deny your spirit's lame,
And this way you prove it true.
Every Single Evening's Plot
I closed the door of my dirty old flat,
I went outside for a short evening stroll.
I bought some cheap hooch and a condom instead.
I'd only arrived when I heard a phone call.
It was so persistent, so deafening loud.
Who failed to forget me? I wanted to know.
I took a deep breath for a desperate shout,
Picked up the receiver: "Hello! Hello?"
Just silence. An error? Wrong number? Or what?
A quick thought of you. Stupid me! Would you care?
I started to feel all the spirits I'd bought
Dissolve in my blood, neutralizing despair.
In less than an hour my neighbours arrived
And asked me for something they needed. Okay.
I gave them a condom and bade them hot night -
I wouldn't have sex for some number more days.
I spent the next hour listening to moans,
But envy and anger were still neutralized.
I'd made through the day, and I'd done it alone.
The neighbours calmed down. I closed my eyes.
Hate
I'm fully devoured by hate,
My mind has been brought to stagnation,
It's my unconceivable fate
To get slightly less estimation
Than sluts in a changeable guise
Or fools wasting time on careers.
Well, who is the one to despise:
A poet or one of those peers?
They fear the joys of today,
They fear the freedom addiction,
And I have no words left to say
When called a damn tough contradiction.
Proud
The same nasty job and the same decorations,
The desperate faces of helpless sweatpals,
Bright shouting ads at half-dead metro stations,
Then evenings with you in a dark empty cell.
The price of ten dollars for some inspiration,
Some spirits, some sex and a pointless nightmare,
Brain vomitting words for another creation,
The words squirting hatred and bleeding despair,
No money for life, but great plans and beginnings...
They hate me for pride and the truth brought them ripe.
I've chosen life with just one subtle meaning,
They've chosen one of a stereotype.
I say what is true and I live what is fair!
I laugh at those dull social-networking mugs
Who tell me: "Young thing, you're nothing in square",
The kids of myspaces and audiodrugs.
The lights in the streets take me back to November -
Complete isolation of heart, blood and mind.
The ones that I loved still forget to remember
A beautiful devil - the one of this kind.
The guise of my freedom has changed. Don't you care
That everything else has remained? It is me!
Alone in the crowd, both here and there,
And fucking damn proud - more sober, more free.
Replay
You're shallow as a pool of dirt,
In which your semi-force has drowned.
Your words are pointless and absurd;
You spread your helplessness around.
You hide behind your ego brand,
You contradict your each demand.
You're freedom-proof, yet still aware
Of all the grieves of your position.
Wipe out the rust of your despair -
Your brand is someone else's mission!
Your programmed life has gone astray,
Your days are like a failed replay.
The Truth
You are not the ones for love to know,
You are not the ones for life to please,
All you hunt is dirty euro dough,
It's, in fact, a terrible disease.
Your infected ego is inflated,
It will burst and poison all your veins.
Even when the beast is saturated,
It is still your helplessness that reigns.
Every step you take will be declared
As the most expected epic fall.
I'm the only poet who has dared
To announce the truth, to say it all.
The Voice of Despair
Triangles of half-open doors
Reveal all the truth that is hidden:
Just condoms and cans on the floor,
Black papers with verses, forbidden -
Unfinished remakes of the song,
Deprived of the right to speak loud
Of wicked intentions gone wrong -
Erasers have muffled the shout.
The only illusion-proof mind -
A poet, the voice of despair,
Sincere, the one of this kind
Throws verses far into the air
Right there, in a dirty old flat
Among once great talents, now rotten.
They all have deserved more than that,
But even their names are forgotten.
Victim
You wake up at six: intercourse with your spouse.
You're under the blanket with tightly shut eyes.
At seven a postman arrives to your house
With two printed portions of scandals and lies.
You turn the TV on. Your damn daily dose
Of lies is exceeded with fresh morning news.
You firmly believe global changes are close -
You have no idea they've hidden the truth.
In life you've achieved less than nothing, you're poor
Though you were the best both at college and school.
Well, man, who are you? You are not even sure.
In fact, you're a pawn in the game of a fool.
Welcome to Fail
Work, Friday parties, chores, spouses, kids,
Fashion to follow and patterns to be -
Standards of living. And now repeat:
"This is my life as I want it to be".
You think you're perfect, you swear it's true,
But nobody is, you are nobody then.
You're welcome to Fail - population is you,
Enjoy the illusion of freedom, Failmen!
Late in the evening you search for some fun,
Playing net wars of the stupid and lame.
Pressing the button, you load your gun.
Play your reality rather than games!
You think you're perfect, you swear it's true,
But nobody is, you are nobody then.
You're welcome to Fail - population is you,
Enjoy the illusion of freedom, Failmen!
The further it takes you, the further you go.
A plain carbon paper with plain decorations
Is all your damn life till the end of the show,
A pattern that's set for the next generations.
2009-2010 Ignorant Bliss
Charm and Poison
For every wrong step that you take
I pierce your heart thrice on a bender.
However, my fury is fake.
You bleed your remorse - I surrender.
My sharp poignant words of no shame
And spirits are such a bad mixture -
I've never been easy to tame -
They paint such a frightening picture,
They certainly prove me a bitch -
It's one of my two real faces.
You'll find charm and poison in each,
Once trapped in my tender embraces.
Endlessly
Finally
She drank a bit
From an empty glass of wine,
Finally
The pieces fit,
Yet they fail at matching fine.
Endlessly
Her sore red eyes
Turn to vast but shallow lakes,
Endlessly
She'll pay the price
For her salty sweet mistake.
Finally
He found his core
In her pointless rotting grief,
Finally
He craved for more
When she cursed his fake beliefs.
Endlessly
The heart explodes
In the weakened burning fists.
Endlessly...
And so it goes
Due to feelings-catalysts.
Hearts. Spades.
Wars. Games.
Spades. Wars.
It goes round, and round, and round
Behind the locked black door.
They. Endlessly.
Finally
He found his core,
Yet they fail at matching fine.
Luckily,
She craves for more
Than an empty glass of wine.
Hearts. Spades.
Wars. Games.
Spades. Wars.
It goes round, and round, and round
Behind the locked black door.
They. Endlessly.
Fate and Fortune
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has buried me in its cold and gloom;
You'll see this place in a dreadful guise
And once sweet home will seem a tomb
Once you're aware there's no way out,
Once dreams of youth say goodbye and grin.
It goes farther and makes me doubt
In all the things I have ever seen.
Its blood has turned into ice and snow -
It's endless winter in every heart.
The winds of grief never cease to blow,
The art of grief is the greatest art.
And once in this cradle of dirt and despair
A wandering stranger demanded my mind.
He asked me about this damned northern air
I'd better not breathe - I would leave it behind.
He said: "I'm in love with this misery, miss.
Destruction is right what we need to create.
True art is in grief, I've been dreaming of this.
My yesterday's fortune's tomorrow's fate.
I know all secrets my destiny knows,
So this boring dwelling won't be a surprise".
I thought: "He's my twin, and it clearly shows".
That evening he opened my widely shut eyes.
A perfect stranger has built a wall
To be a shield from this gloom and lies,
From endless rains of this city's gall
That falls on me from the shattered skies.
The wave of feelings can warm the days
Of dull existence in Bitterland
And melt the ice in this rotten place,
In every heart that it's due to mend.
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has turned us down in its nasty voice
And... brought together. We've paid the price
Of fate to fortune. We've made the choice.
Invisible Scars
The poison of spring has dissolved in my veins;
A second is worth both my future and past.
The more I denied my becoming insane,
The sooner insanity touched me at last.
The silence we hear is the laugh of my fate,
The soundless laugh at the one I forgot -
The yesterday's me - and the force to create
The life I portrayed. But it's less than I've got.
I love the invisible scars of my skin -
The blades of your hands are so tempting, indeed.
These words I give birth to just come from within,
Revealing the truth till the scars start to bleed.
These words cost two hours less than a night -
Mixed feelings are harder to rhyme than small talk.
Two hours more, and the things will go right
As long as I fail my deceiving the clock.
Not Now
In silence my lips have been drawing the shapes
Of phrases, so vague and deprived of a meaning.
My dreams are about to find an escape
To where the end always meets the beginning.
My black and white fears have got an excuse:
I still have the world - in my heart and around.
I'm no longer free - I have something to lose.
The more I deny that my freedom has bounds,
The better I see them, the more my heart frets -
The twilight has failed to appease me somehow.
I'll lose it all soon, but I'll never regret.
My lips keep repeating: "Not me, just not now".
Nothing Else Counts
The streets are embraced by this threatening night,
She's sunk in his warm, not yet sober embrace.
They promised each other that things would go right,
Yet all their hopes stand for counting days.
The morning will frown - one desperate kiss,
The sign of unfortunate parting for two,
Will cease their dwelling in ignorant bliss,
Or blissful forgetting, whatever is true.
The well-known words in a new undertone
Of whispering voices are fading away.
The morning will frown, and she will be gone;
He'll vanish in sleep till around midday.
They'll meet when the streets are embraced by the dark.
With no place to go, to never be found,
With lives half-forgotten, with nothing to mark.
But they have each other, and nothing else counts.
Sleepless Revelations
The news has said it's getting better,
But who on Earth believes in it?
Now, when all dreams are bound to shatter,
I laugh at such a lame deceit.
And I don't care this place is dying
Beneath my own fallen sky.
It is your life that I'm denying,
As you have taken mine awry.
I tell myself that spring is near,
But April never comes alone.
It takes me back to vanished years,
It brings the memories, once gone.
My hopes are buried in despair,
As sleeplessness has made me think.
And thoughts do always lead right where
The truth is dwelling. Chances shrink.
I've drawn a land of endless silence,
But certainly, I've failed to flee.
This place of never-ending violence
Will kill me, won't lose touch with me.
The laws of heart are my salvation,
Yet I can never get enough
Of unforgettable sensations.
I'm still alive just due to love.
2011. Illusion
Actress
I've turned to an actress regardless my will,
Life's poignant scenario brought me the skill.
Performing, I find the salvation
In changing my costumes and masks.
It keeps my true guise ever changing in turn,
The art of arranging's not easy to learn,
It's more than just bright decorations.
I've handled a difficult task.
I fear the thunder, still dance in the rain,
The gloomy surrounders claim I'm insane,
Not seeing the sense in its absence -
The actress is always to blame!
My tragical comedies last for a while,
Erasing the concepts "the truth" and "a guile".
Deceiving the evident essence,
I'm playing this innocent game.
I speak every language of pleasure and grief,
I've heard every rumor you spread and believe.
Well, I am the subject this season,
In fact I am proud of it.
I'm nursing the thought they keep talking of me,
Quite happy to seem a discover-to-be
For no particular reason
Except such a playful deceit.
Bound to Leave
It's half past eleven, he's bound to leave,
She's holding back tears, she whispers: "just stay";
He cannot reveal any reason to grieve
And says: "I'll be back, I will see you some day".
Some day in Novemer is meant to be spring
That comes after February's damn thirtieth night,
When fantasy birds are encouraged to sing
In violet rays of the navy blue light.
...Her soft gentle voice is no longer that sweet,
Her mirror reflects such a vague silhouette,
Not able to simply get back on her feet,
She spends every day half-awake in her bed.
And when he recalls her in April or May,
He'll only discover a cold empty room.
The neighbors will frown and tell him the way
To where an orchid will wilt by a tomb.
Breakdown
The smell of Kent
Failed to bring me to life,
I felt almost nothing, kept silent like dead.
The poisoned blade
Of a sharp kitchen knife
Was bound to cut me, I dropped it instead.
It wasn't meant
To take place then, alas,
My memories, lurking, denied suicide.
My guise would fade
In a half-empty glass
And you would not even find out I died.
My swollen pride
Was revealed in my eyes,
Yet weakness was hidden behind my eyelids.
I stayed awake
To the gloomy sunrise,
It haunts me at moments when consciousness bleeds.
My other side
Is still craving for life;
These tough contradictions make up my true core.
Just one mistake
Fights the urge to survive
Or live ever after like never before?
Changes
I'm looking around and searching you there,
The bright prospect lights only frown as I stare,
My heart's getting lost in the shatters.
I know you'll pick them all up when you come,
And I'll never mind if you steal at least some,
Just keep them, and nothing else matters.
Those white and green lights got my secret revealed,
I'll write it all down and cherish it sealed,
One day it will find destination.
Whoever discovers the mystery penned,
They won't guess a word, I have got it all planned,
This madness becomes my salvation.
The eyes of the suburbs will warm and appease
My heart, ever-aching, with evident ease.
Your look in the window still shows.
It's fixed in the soul, it's fixed in the glass,
This moment can linger for good either pass,
It's changing. Well, destiny knows.
Changes Part Two (November)
I'm looking around - a year has passed,
The moment I seized is forever to last,
The secrets of cherished November
Still live in the imprints of soft fingertips
You left on my key, in your eyes that eclipse
The various colors of amber.
The waters of changes surround my shore,
The eyes of the suburbs see right to the core,
Respond to my heart's aspiration.
Eternity lingers in love's every breath,
And it is my place from November till death,
My shelter, my sweet isolation.
It's plain and it's simple - I have understood
That I will keep writing this story for good
And send you mysterious letters.
Discover the worlds that my verses create
For you to unravel and investigate,
Just keep them, and nothing else matters.
Crimson and Black
I'd sell my heart in paperback,
In verses for perverts to read.
The crimson lines look good on black,
Just like the world behind my lids.
For crimson is my poisoned blood
You'd never want to mix with yours,
For black is my denying heart
That's stained with lies and dead remorse.
Erase my love and drain my mind
Until my memory is void,
I want to be completely blind
To every trifle I enjoyed.
Your gentle touch is like a burn -
I play pretend I'm fine with heat.
I've reached the point of no return,
I find my peace in self-deceit.
Diaries of Mystery
I search for the meaning and sense in your look
While trying to read all your thoughts like a book -
Your mind is a world to discover.
I'm dying to be your creation and muse,
Blue ink on black papers is hiding the truth,
In songs of a desperate lover.
You've turned the gray colors to soft navy blue,
The whole palette is much brighter with you -
The art is in being sincere.
The moment of peace is right where you are,
The brush in your hands does conceal every scar,
My heart is your tapestry, dear.
You've brought me back faith, so hard to retrieve,
Your trust is a reason to breathe and believe,
And I will be thankful forever.
But gratitude only will never quite do,
I think my confessions have proved it all true,
Erasing both now and never.
I'm playing the game of incredible cards
Of red-colored spades just as well as black hearts,
It gives you a reason to fear.
I still let you into my dangerous mind,
I'll easily give you whatever you find
And share the crazy idea.
I dream of a kiss you could plant on my lips,
I dream of your gentle and soft fingertips,
Exploring my skin with much care;
To hear you breathing, to feel your heartbeat
Are such simple things, but I'm dying for it,
Yet I just keep silent and stare.
At times when you feel devastated and sad,
When desperate thoughts make a mess in your head,
Just sink in my arms - it's appeasing.
Whenever you crave for some love and caress,
At moments we all need it badly, I guess,
I keep them for you while I'm breathing.
Duality
The pleasure to speak is my lost privilege,
And now insanity dwells on a page,
However, it's changing the color in days,
Revealing the truth my white pencil portrays.
But I'm getting sick of the poetess' fate,
I only enliven the worlds your create,
Denying the myths you don't want to believe,
Or perpetuate every side of my grief.
Today it's triangular, soon to be square,
Or even linear, in case you are there,
You skillfully play with my changeable mood,
I'd steal such a talent from you if I could.
I paint the reality, live in a dream,
Duality kills me, I just want to scream,
I'll find the salvation when holding you close
I'll speak of my feelings and keep them in prose.
Evening
I'm breathing the smoke of fruit cigarettes,
One's already burnt; I am craving for more.
I'm lighting the last one with no regrets -
If you were beside me, it well could be four.
I'm slowly turning the key in my lock;
It usually takes me two minutes or three,
But I have been blind to the obstinate clock -
Alas, there is no one waiting for me.
My room has no present but treasures the past;
Its walls will recall every breath that we share...
I'm feeling so cold. I break down at last:
My papers will choke on the ink of despair.
My heart's like a violin's sound, unclear;
It's out of tune for a permanent matter.
I'll sign all these verses with only one tear
And seal with a sigh just to send with a letter.
Fire
I used to compare myself with a fire,
So sudden, so restless, so hard to predict -
A definite danger from miles to admire,
The gamut of colors one couldn't depict.
The flame is extinguished. The reason is clear -
I crave for love fuel and only one match.
I'm stronger than every invisible tear
That turns to a raindrop. I'll start from a scratch.
I'll be a good guide for my soulmates-strangers,
A guard for the lost and the ones of this kind,
For anything frail I'll reveal only danger...
However, a match is not easy to find.
Gifting a Dream
You're driving across the mysterious lands,
You're making your way to the sea and the shore.
Let go of the wheel and stretch out your hands -
Your secret desires will call you for more.
Midnight in July.
The boundless sky.
The signs in the violet mist.
The red and green lights
That shine through the nights
To show you dream islands exist.
The island of hope is the first on the way,
I'm waiting for you, I am already there.
With fingers entwined, with the thoughts gone astray
We'll lie by the water in silence and stare.
The sand as a bed.
Black roofs painted red.
A thousand small fireflies.
A bright navy sail.
Sweet scents we inhale.
Your charming and still dreamy guise...
In Lines
Invisible scars.
The blades of your hands.
Repeating old lines of my own.
The well-hidden sense.
The hopeless romance.
The eyes that could gift me the dawn.
The days go by.
Three months till July.
Love, listen, I'm honestly striving
To perpetuate
My fortunate fate,
Still learning the art of surviving.
But I am too weak,
Frail fingers do seek
A chance to entwine for a moment
with yours, then lose hold
And feel this strange cold,
Indulge in a beautiful torment.
The same tragic theme.
I've reached the extreme.
It seems I'll be waiting for ages
Of riddles and signs,
Of love fixed in lines,
Of counting papers and pages.
Lands of Forever
Discover the lands of forever -
Of harmony, beauty and peace;
Your reverie's worth the endeavor
Of searching a moment to seize:
A moment to linger for years,
A perpetuated romance
Of two ever different spheres
That twist in a passionate dance.
This madness and charm are a whole,
As everything's possible there.
This unit will conquer your soul
And liven your dream if you dare.
Unravel the life you desire,
And fortune will paint it for you.
The forces of Water and Fire
Conspire to make it all true.
Life
I miss your voice, so soft and gentle,
The words I hardly figure out
And all our mornings are about -
A cigarette, tea flavored menthol,
The train, the underground noise...
And then - in turn: your eyes, your voice...
A warm embrace, so quick yet tender,
So evanescent, yet desired,
The lurking verses, eve-inspired -
A perfect mix, and I'll surrender.
You'll leave around half past five...
That's it. And, well, it is my life.
Life Replaced
I am drenched in silver smoke
With my weekend brandy mates,
Laughing at the same old jokes,
Taking part in drunk debates.
When my forces get united,
I will leave the noisy bar,
Soon to find myself invited
To a ride in someone's car.
Midnight dates, adventures, strangers,
Mad ideas for some fun,
The temptation of the danger
To be liked by everyone,
Lust, elation, merging faces
Lighten all the darkest days.
But past love's lost scattered traces
Aren't that easy to erase...
Love Secret
The level of pride in my blood is too high,
And shatters of passion are trapped in a shell,
I'm growing older, I cannot deny,
And something unique fills my heart's every cell.
Love sacred, love secret, love ably disguised
Is tormented, ever forbidden, but still
It speaks for itself, it is self-emphasized
At times when I quell it regardless my will.
The distance between us brings love only luck -
I'm close to you in my reverie land,
And when we do meet, I am totally struck
By "devil-may-care" and "just play-pretend".
Madness
I'm riding the cloud of bright blanket dreams,
The coconut smoke entwines with the mist,
The potion of madness in violet streams
Is carving the urge that I cannot resist.
The mysteries find me still lying in bed,
Enjoying the pleasures of drunken grapefruit.
Just several gulps, and a room painted red
Will turn to a princess' incredible suit.
I'm a swift errand girl of my fortunate fate,
When my fantasies leak, the reality hides
In the weirdest world I could ever create
With my eyes tightly shut, with my heart as a guide.
A rose with sharp yet invisible thorns
Will bloom in my gardens in endless July -
The country of fairies and pink unicorns
Beneath the enchanting and welcoming sky.
I trust in the might of the element Earth,
However, the Air attracts me much more.
I'm hovering free, and I feel the rebirth.
This madness is tempting like never before.
I'm a swift errand girl of my fortunate fate,
When my fantasies leak, the reality hides
In the weirdest world I could ever create
With my eyes tightly shut, with my heart as a guide.
I giggle and slap the reality's face,
I found salvation in madness' embrace.
I'm a swift errand girl of my fortunate fate,
When my fantasies leak, the reality hides
In the weirdest world I could ever create
With my eyes tightly shut, with my heart as a guide.
Madness so Sweet
Pearls of fantasies shine in the waters of hope
That February turned tears to.
We will certainly free weakened hands from the ropes
If wonder is all that we do.
Let us build a small ship as a shelter-to-be
And paint it in colors of spring.
It is madness so sweet to spend life on the sea;
I will turn to a siren and sing.
In the song of my heart that will beat twice as fast,
Your own inner voice will reveal.
Reminiscence I'll crave is for ages to last,
I'll gift you a moment to steal.
One Moment
The imprints of your fingers
Have marked a half-full glass.
The sentiment still lingers,
The moment's due to pass.
Your glance can still appear
In my Campari drink
Like blood that's mixed with tears,
Or passion's scarlet ink.
My hand's already missing
Your gentle velvet skin.
My heart is reminiscing
The sweetest little sin -
The dream that made my morning.
Your arms, your voice, your lips
Discover space for yearning...
I'd better go to sleep...
Only Dreaming
My arms held so tightly around your waist
Just spoke for me, as I'd got my lips sealed.
At least they indulged in a new better taste -
Embraced by temptations, I chose to yield.
This night was a blinding exhilarant flash
Of life that's unfiltered, of love that's pristine.
You found the beauty within such a crash,
You planted some hope in the dream world of mine.
But pleasure is gone like this cherry cigar -
The dawn didn't let fortune's secret unfold
Or give me a sign, leading where you are.
A dream half believed in is all that I hold.
Portrait
I'll paint your sweet portrait with tightly shut eyes
With pleasure whenever you ask.
Though hands ever shaking and colder than ice
Do find it a difficult task.
I'll cherish the portrait and hang it above
My empty not warm enough bed
To guard all the secrets of mystery love
And clear the mess in my head.
The mirror that's placed on the opposite wall
Will certainly add to its charm,
My room and your portrait will turn to one whole -
This place will incur no more harm.
Reminiscence
I miss the tune of my ringtone
That no one except us knew;
I went to bed with my cell phone
And dreamt of hearing from you.
Your voice became my sole salvation,
Your breath - the sweetest lullaby.
I miss the waiting at the station,
Observing people passing by,
And then - your smile, a hint to linger
To have a menthol cigarette
I took from cold yet gentle fingers...
And guess what happens in my head
At times I drink that lemon beer
Or white plum wine, or cold ice tea.
I'm holding those mornings dear
And keep all memories with me.
Reverie
I am breaking the vast glassy surface of make-believe seas,
As the moonlight is cutting the throat of scarlet sunrise,
I am screaming my heart out loud, I need to release
All my silently bitter emotions. I pray to the skies
To remain in this world for a lifetime and ruin it then,
In this perfect small drunken creation, in my fairytale,
In the land that's beyond now and never, some time and nowhen
And indulge in the smell of tranquility I can inhale,
Where the past in a twist with the present and future unknown
Is revealed in the blossom of orchids and blue camomiles,
Mighty lightnings of fate never strike in this land of my own,
In this place I'm the only survivor. I'll stay for a while,
Till you come to my shelter and sing me a love serenade,
As you own the key to the gates, and the key is my heart,
First you gift me a dream, then you steal it from me, then you fade,
And I wake. It's another new day. It's another new start.
Sincerity
The times of the rhyming sensations are ceased,
It's no surprise evil love has deceased -
My heart is a chamber with limited space,
Indifference got all my feelings erased.
Frail fibre is used to the memories' blade,
My thirst for your love is about to fade,
Deceiving myself is revealing the truth,
The pain of desire is easy to soothe.
Two opposite planets, two opposite spheres,
Both ruled by denying just being sincere
Will never be one due to different laws.
I have to accept it the way that it goes.
Sincerity stands for the lack of control,
And love never even existed at all.
So what does my poetry speak of, indeed?
Old scars are deprived of the pleasure to bleed.
White on White
Blank papers of bitter today
Do treasure the words white on white;
If they are forbidden to say,
Then my privilege is to write.
I choke on the poison I've drunk,
The root of my love is in grief;
I'm learning the foreigners' tongue
To perpetuate my belief.
The strength of my weakness denies
The myth only half proven true;
The lines that I can't recognize
One day were composed by you.
The sequel could come to an end,
But sanity claims it's too late,
I take all the pain to defend
The worlds my illusions create.
Wings
I raise my swollen eyes to reach your sight,
I try to guess the song that's in your head,
I'm only thinking
Of how I will dream of you tonight,
While looking through the window from my bed,
As always drinking
Plum wine with morning flavor from the glass
You drank from when you came and made my day,
This way it's better.
I scan and gather moments due to pass,
I rhyme the words I cannot simply say
And write a letter.
We all are fallen angels with one wing,
We fly once flesh and souls do entwine,
Let's come together.
A wing is frail, but never ever think
I'll let you fall - I'll gladly give you mine
If yours lacks feathers.
2007 - 2008. Adolescence. Melancholy. Love at second sight.
A Story Without an End
"Me, love and you... Three halves of something whole,
If one is missing, everything is clear."
These words can paint the sorrow in my soul,
But once bright colors fade away in years.
Once sweet anticipation of your arms,
A shard of dreams, by now has turned to fear
Of someone else's charm.
I give you everything I have and treasure.
But I have nothing. Love is nothing, too.
Love's non-existing, as it has no measure.
I've lost my faith in it. But not in you.
This verse is just another ode to Pothos -
The guise of my own heart-wrecked destiny.
I still believe in faith, but is it worth it?
Fate's given up on me.
I have convinced us both the feeling faded,
And it is a deceptive honest lie.
At least, I - devastated, torn and jaded -
Was truly independent in your eyes.
If love's opposed to freedom - it's in dreaming -
Then love and dreams don't make one sacred whole.
And so, my past completely lost its meaning...
If I exist - and had this past at all.
Forever. Yours.
This lonely day has turned into night,
I feel my heart explode in my chest.
One bitter tear sparks in my eye,
The soul behind it knows no rest.
The light of one more candle is gone,
Reality is scaring my hope,
And through the night I'll be all alone...
But I will keep the promise. I'll cope.
The night. The day.
The miles. Away.
The waiting. Hard.
So frail. Apart.
The dusk. The dawn.
Afraid. Unknown.
Still lost. No way.
Alone. Again.
But everything we're going through
Is bond to leave a mark on my heart.
This mark will bind our lives, me and you.
Tomorrow will be a new start.
I'll shield you from the sword of your fate,
And, bleeding, I will fight for you, still,
The one it took you long to create
Will heal you by one movement of will.
Your eyes. The light.
Arms broken. Fight.
My heart. My hand.
Love. Till the end.
The promise. Here.
With you. No fear.
New ways. New doors.
Forever. Yours.
Hope-less
Deceptive freedom. Honest lies.
A charming, yet so dreadful guise.
Forgotten memories. Two hearts
Are in my chest, both torn apart.
Strong weakness of a wilted rose.
My two reflections, one disclosed.
A shadow of changing shapes.
The sorrow of different shades.
A bleeding wrist of strangers'faith.
A crystal tear on no one's face.
Odd soulless hearts in mystic frames,
You have no voices, know no shame!
Just when you're dumb, your words are true.
I'm hopeless. Well. But who are you??
You're nothingness behind green eyes,
Mistakes that never happen twice.
You're just a riddle for a day
To figure out - and stay away
From all this simply perfect mess,
Where I am hope, and you - are less.
Hourglass
The pages of the years
Are crying of the same;
The words - the silent sounds - remind of you,
I'm counting days
By just extracting from dimension 'love'
Dimension 'pain'.
And I'll forget you, love,
Just when a blind man draws
One sound on the non-existing wall,
One of a rose
That's falling quietly on the castle's floor,
No longer whole.
Through all the darkest nights
I'll have your worst nightmares,
I'll be your one eternal candle's light,
I'm always there -
We breathe the same and so much filled with love
October air.
And when the ages die,
The broken hourglass -
The symbol of the battle 'Love and Time'-
Will speak of us.
The world, no longer knowing what is love,
Will speak of us.
Novel
This open book without an ending
Is everything my life reminds of.
You, shallow souls, were just pretending -
You're out of touch, I'm out of mind now.
I was a slave of my devotion,
A pillow for your worthless tears,
And you just played with my emotions,
Then in a moment disappeared.
I gave you all my heart to treasure -
You marked it with your footprints, dirty.
But it's your loss that can't be measured,
And nevermore your lies will hurt me!
The novel's waiting for your ending,
Fresh rumors - what is more exciting?
I'll laugh at you and keep pretending
I can't make out your handwriting.
Scarred
It is just another sleepless night,
It's the breath of spring that we await.
One more gulp of wine, and I'm all right,
One more secret till it's way too late.
One more song for no one's reached your ears,
But you think it's happened by mistake.
Every time by chance you see me near,
But you've got another heart to break.
I'm a lover, killed by you for good,
I'm the endless beauty you can't face,
I'm the myth you've never understood,
I'm the pill no spirit can replace.
I'm your muse and demon, but your pride,
I'm the word that's missing in your song,
I still feel like I'm a scar you hide,
Otherwise you'd tell me I am wrong.
Shadow of Sorrow
My lonely freedom is a mask,
I'm devastated by my shadow;
It's not less charming, yet so shallow,
A beautiful deceptive mess.
The shadow will disappear
Just when the darkness reigns our place.
But through this darkness my true face
Will be obscure - unless you're here.
And when you find me living dead,
The glance of ice will melt completely,
My sorrow is quelled so sweetly -
You've shown me life with no regret.
You strive - I strive, you fall - I follow,
Wherever you go, so do I.
Behind the shadow of sorrow
You've seen just me and brought to life.
Wonder If It Is Love
Once sparkling eyes never know tranquility,
Searching of you in the empty streets
Of The city that never sleeps,
Just as I won't sleep this night.
I'm a slave of my own devotion,
Sinking in tender warmth,
Falling into your arms...
But it's just in my swollen mind.
I keep thinking if it is love,
And I wonder if love has brakes.
No way! Even if it had,
Now and then would still be too late.
I'm a prisoner of my pride
That's dissolved in your skin's sweet scent.
I could draw you if I was blind -
It's your face that I can't forget.
A calm ocean and a shore -
That is what we once used to be:
Always close, though never whole,
Now you hardly remember me.
And my life is a damned card game,
Just a patience that's in your hands.
But you simply refuse to play.
Well, you choose, as you have this strength.
2008 – 2009. Sociopolitical poetry
A Desperate City
Hello to you from the gray gloomy city,
Where crowds unconsciously worship despair,
Indulging in dangers of constant self-pity
With naive belief in the world's being fair.
They have no trust in a man's inner power,
And fortitude sounds like something unknown.
They have no poets, just ones of an hour,
Who drown at once in the thoughts of their own.
With greed they consume plain illusions for dinner,
And dress them with lies when they serve the new dishes
To those so-called 'pathological sinners'
Who find someone else's delusions delicious.
They have Friday liter-mates rather than friends
To mark that the week of no favor is ending,
But even with glasses of spirits in hands
They look worse than misery. Are they pretending?
Alien
The cradle of despair.
The ever-winter air.
Is anybody there,
Beneath this dreadful moon
Evoking thirst for tears?
I'm screaming - no one hears.
I breathe the same old fear
That I'll be dying soon.
My soul strays and hovers,
My heart is under covers,
My lonely secret lovers -
The clouds and the sea -
Can grant me no salvation
Within my heart's temptation.
In this dilapidation
I see no way to flee.
Damn
Dive into your own damned lake,
Take the turn - I'm going straight.
Your intended failed mistake
Has defined your only fate.
No, I cannot stop the herd,
I can't drain your ego's gall.
I can neither beat one nerd
Nor by words defeat them all.
But my keen and poignant phrase
Does reveal my only wish:
Live your own rusty days,
Poison your fucked up damned dish!
In your masks you look the same,
As perfection cheats on you.
You deny your spirit's lame,
And this way you prove it true.
Every Single Evening's Plot
I closed the door of my dirty old flat,
I went outside for a short evening stroll.
I bought some cheap hooch and a condom instead.
I'd only arrived when I heard a phone call.
It was so persistent, so deafening loud.
Who failed to forget me? I wanted to know.
I took a deep breath for a desperate shout,
Picked up the receiver: "Hello! Hello?"
Just silence. An error? Wrong number? Or what?
A quick thought of you. Stupid me! Would you care?
I started to feel all the spirits I'd bought
Dissolve in my blood, neutralizing despair.
In less than an hour my neighbours arrived
And asked me for something they needed. Okay.
I gave them a condom and bade them hot night -
I wouldn't have sex for some number more days.
I spent the next hour listening to moans,
But envy and anger were still neutralized.
I'd made through the day, and I'd done it alone.
The neighbours calmed down. I closed my eyes.
Hate
I'm fully devoured by hate,
My mind has been brought to stagnation,
It's my unconceivable fate
To get slightly less estimation
Than sluts in a changeable guise
Or fools wasting time on careers.
Well, who is the one to despise:
A poet or one of those peers?
They fear the joys of today,
They fear the freedom addiction,
And I have no words left to say
When called a damn tough contradiction.
Proud
The same nasty job and the same decorations,
The desperate faces of helpless sweatpals,
Bright shouting ads at half-dead metro stations,
Then evenings with you in a dark empty cell.
The price of ten dollars for some inspiration,
Some spirits, some sex and a pointless nightmare,
Brain vomitting words for another creation,
The words squirting hatred and bleeding despair,
No money for life, but great plans and beginnings...
They hate me for pride and the truth brought them ripe.
I've chosen life with just one subtle meaning,
They've chosen one of a stereotype.
I say what is true and I live what is fair!
I laugh at those dull social-networking mugs
Who tell me: "Young thing, you're nothing in square",
The kids of myspaces and audiodrugs.
The lights in the streets take me back to November -
Complete isolation of heart, blood and mind.
The ones that I loved still forget to remember
A beautiful devil - the one of this kind.
The guise of my freedom has changed. Don't you care
That everything else has remained? It is me!
Alone in the crowd, both here and there,
And fucking damn proud - more sober, more free.
Replay
You're shallow as a pool of dirt,
In which your semi-force has drowned.
Your words are pointless and absurd;
You spread your helplessness around.
You hide behind your ego brand,
You contradict your each demand.
You're freedom-proof, yet still aware
Of all the grieves of your position.
Wipe out the rust of your despair -
Your brand is someone else's mission!
Your programmed life has gone astray,
Your days are like a failed replay.
The Truth
You are not the ones for love to know,
You are not the ones for life to please,
All you hunt is dirty euro dough,
It's, in fact, a terrible disease.
Your infected ego is inflated,
It will burst and poison all your veins.
Even when the beast is saturated,
It is still your helplessness that reigns.
Every step you take will be declared
As the most expected epic fall.
I'm the only poet who has dared
To announce the truth, to say it all.
The Voice of Despair
Triangles of half-open doors
Reveal all the truth that is hidden:
Just condoms and cans on the floor,
Black papers with verses, forbidden -
Unfinished remakes of the song,
Deprived of the right to speak loud
Of wicked intentions gone wrong -
Erasers have muffled the shout.
The only illusion-proof mind -
A poet, the voice of despair,
Sincere, the one of this kind
Throws verses far into the air
Right there, in a dirty old flat
Among once great talents, now rotten.
They all have deserved more than that,
But even their names are forgotten.
Victim
You wake up at six: intercourse with your spouse.
You're under the blanket with tightly shut eyes.
At seven a postman arrives to your house
With two printed portions of scandals and lies.
You turn the TV on. Your damn daily dose
Of lies is exceeded with fresh morning news.
You firmly believe global changes are close -
You have no idea they've hidden the truth.
In life you've achieved less than nothing, you're poor
Though you were the best both at college and school.
Well, man, who are you? You are not even sure.
In fact, you're a pawn in the game of a fool.
Welcome to Fail
Work, Friday parties, chores, spouses, kids,
Fashion to follow and patterns to be -
Standards of living. And now repeat:
"This is my life as I want it to be".
You think you're perfect, you swear it's true,
But nobody is, you are nobody then.
You're welcome to Fail - population is you,
Enjoy the illusion of freedom, Failmen!
Late in the evening you search for some fun,
Playing net wars of the stupid and lame.
Pressing the button, you load your gun.
Play your reality rather than games!
You think you're perfect, you swear it's true,
But nobody is, you are nobody then.
You're welcome to Fail - population is you,
Enjoy the illusion of freedom, Failmen!
The further it takes you, the further you go.
A plain carbon paper with plain decorations
Is all your damn life till the end of the show,
A pattern that's set for the next generations.
2009-2010 Ignorant Bliss
Charm and Poison
For every wrong step that you take
I pierce your heart thrice on a bender.
However, my fury is fake.
You bleed your remorse - I surrender.
My sharp poignant words of no shame
And spirits are such a bad mixture -
I've never been easy to tame -
They paint such a frightening picture,
They certainly prove me a bitch -
It's one of my two real faces.
You'll find charm and poison in each,
Once trapped in my tender embraces.
Endlessly
Finally
She drank a bit
From an empty glass of wine,
Finally
The pieces fit,
Yet they fail at matching fine.
Endlessly
Her sore red eyes
Turn to vast but shallow lakes,
Endlessly
She'll pay the price
For her salty sweet mistake.
Finally
He found his core
In her pointless rotting grief,
Finally
He craved for more
When she cursed his fake beliefs.
Endlessly
The heart explodes
In the weakened burning fists.
Endlessly...
And so it goes
Due to feelings-catalysts.
Hearts. Spades.
Wars. Games.
Spades. Wars.
It goes round, and round, and round
Behind the locked black door.
They. Endlessly.
Finally
He found his core,
Yet they fail at matching fine.
Luckily,
She craves for more
Than an empty glass of wine.
Hearts. Spades.
Wars. Games.
Spades. Wars.
It goes round, and round, and round
Behind the locked black door.
They. Endlessly.
Fate and Fortune
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has buried me in its cold and gloom;
You'll see this place in a dreadful guise
And once sweet home will seem a tomb
Once you're aware there's no way out,
Once dreams of youth say goodbye and grin.
It goes farther and makes me doubt
In all the things I have ever seen.
Its blood has turned into ice and snow -
It's endless winter in every heart.
The winds of grief never cease to blow,
The art of grief is the greatest art.
And once in this cradle of dirt and despair
A wandering stranger demanded my mind.
He asked me about this damned northern air
I'd better not breathe - I would leave it behind.
He said: "I'm in love with this misery, miss.
Destruction is right what we need to create.
True art is in grief, I've been dreaming of this.
My yesterday's fortune's tomorrow's fate.
I know all secrets my destiny knows,
So this boring dwelling won't be a surprise".
I thought: "He's my twin, and it clearly shows".
That evening he opened my widely shut eyes.
A perfect stranger has built a wall
To be a shield from this gloom and lies,
From endless rains of this city's gall
That falls on me from the shattered skies.
The wave of feelings can warm the days
Of dull existence in Bitterland
And melt the ice in this rotten place,
In every heart that it's due to mend.
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has turned us down in its nasty voice
And... brought together. We've paid the price
Of fate to fortune. We've made the choice.
Invisible Scars
The poison of spring has dissolved in my veins;
A second is worth both my future and past.
The more I denied my becoming insane,
The sooner insanity touched me at last.
The silence we hear is the laugh of my fate,
The soundless laugh at the one I forgot -
The yesterday's me - and the force to create
The life I portrayed. But it's less than I've got.
I love the invisible scars of my skin -
The blades of your hands are so tempting, indeed.
These words I give birth to just come from within,
Revealing the truth till the scars start to bleed.
These words cost two hours less than a night -
Mixed feelings are harder to rhyme than small talk.
Two hours more, and the things will go right
As long as I fail my deceiving the clock.
Not Now
In silence my lips have been drawing the shapes
Of phrases, so vague and deprived of a meaning.
My dreams are about to find an escape
To where the end always meets the beginning.
My black and white fears have got an excuse:
I still have the world - in my heart and around.
I'm no longer free - I have something to lose.
The more I deny that my freedom has bounds,
The better I see them, the more my heart frets -
The twilight has failed to appease me somehow.
I'll lose it all soon, but I'll never regret.
My lips keep repeating: "Not me, just not now".
Nothing Else Counts
The streets are embraced by this threatening night,
She's sunk in his warm, not yet sober embrace.
They promised each other that things would go right,
Yet all their hopes stand for counting days.
The morning will frown - one desperate kiss,
The sign of unfortunate parting for two,
Will cease their dwelling in ignorant bliss,
Or blissful forgetting, whatever is true.
The well-known words in a new undertone
Of whispering voices are fading away.
The morning will frown, and she will be gone;
He'll vanish in sleep till around midday.
They'll meet when the streets are embraced by the dark.
With no place to go, to never be found,
With lives half-forgotten, with nothing to mark.
But they have each other, and nothing else counts.
Sleepless Revelations
The news has said it's getting better,
But who on Earth believes in it?
Now, when all dreams are bound to shatter,
I laugh at such a lame deceit.
And I don't care this place is dying
Beneath my own fallen sky.
It is your life that I'm denying,
As you have taken mine awry.
I tell myself that spring is near,
But April never comes alone.
It takes me back to vanished years,
It brings the memories, once gone.
My hopes are buried in despair,
As sleeplessness has made me think.
And thoughts do always lead right where
The truth is dwelling. Chances shrink.
I've drawn a land of endless silence,
But certainly, I've failed to flee.
This place of never-ending violence
Will kill me, won't lose touch with me.
The laws of heart are my salvation,
Yet I can never get enough
Of unforgettable sensations.
I'm still alive just due to love.
2011. Illusion
Actress
I've turned to an actress regardless my will,
Life's poignant scenario brought me the skill.
Performing, I find the salvation
In changing my costumes and masks.
It keeps my true guise ever changing in turn,
The art of arranging's not easy to learn,
It's more than just bright decorations.
I've handled a difficult task.
I fear the thunder, still dance in the rain,
The gloomy surrounders claim I'm insane,
Not seeing the sense in its absence -
The actress is always to blame!
My tragical comedies last for a while,
Erasing the concepts "the truth" and "a guile".
Deceiving the evident essence,
I'm playing this innocent game.
I speak every language of pleasure and grief,
I've heard every rumor you spread and believe.
Well, I am the subject this season,
In fact I am proud of it.
I'm nursing the thought they keep talking of me,
Quite happy to seem a discover-to-be
For no particular reason
Except such a playful deceit.
Bound to Leave
It's half past eleven, he's bound to leave,
She's holding back tears, she whispers: "just stay";
He cannot reveal any reason to grieve
And says: "I'll be back, I will see you some day".
Some day in Novemer is meant to be spring
That comes after February's damn thirtieth night,
When fantasy birds are encouraged to sing
In violet rays of the navy blue light.
...Her soft gentle voice is no longer that sweet,
Her mirror reflects such a vague silhouette,
Not able to simply get back on her feet,
She spends every day half-awake in her bed.
And when he recalls her in April or May,
He'll only discover a cold empty room.
The neighbors will frown and tell him the way
To where an orchid will wilt by a tomb.
Breakdown
The smell of Kent
Failed to bring me to life,
I felt almost nothing, kept silent like dead.
The poisoned blade
Of a sharp kitchen knife
Was bound to cut me, I dropped it instead.
It wasn't meant
To take place then, alas,
My memories, lurking, denied suicide.
My guise would fade
In a half-empty glass
And you would not even find out I died.
My swollen pride
Was revealed in my eyes,
Yet weakness was hidden behind my eyelids.
I stayed awake
To the gloomy sunrise,
It haunts me at moments when consciousness bleeds.
My other side
Is still craving for life;
These tough contradictions make up my true core.
Just one mistake
Fights the urge to survive
Or live ever after like never before?
Changes
I'm looking around and searching you there,
The bright prospect lights only frown as I stare,
My heart's getting lost in the shatters.
I know you'll pick them all up when you come,
And I'll never mind if you steal at least some,
Just keep them, and nothing else matters.
Those white and green lights got my secret revealed,
I'll write it all down and cherish it sealed,
One day it will find destination.
Whoever discovers the mystery penned,
They won't guess a word, I have got it all planned,
This madness becomes my salvation.
The eyes of the suburbs will warm and appease
My heart, ever-aching, with evident ease.
Your look in the window still shows.
It's fixed in the soul, it's fixed in the glass,
This moment can linger for good either pass,
It's changing. Well, destiny knows.
Changes Part Two (November)
I'm looking around - a year has passed,
The moment I seized is forever to last,
The secrets of cherished November
Still live in the imprints of soft fingertips
You left on my key, in your eyes that eclipse
The various colors of amber.
The waters of changes surround my shore,
The eyes of the suburbs see right to the core,
Respond to my heart's aspiration.
Eternity lingers in love's every breath,
And it is my place from November till death,
My shelter, my sweet isolation.
It's plain and it's simple - I have understood
That I will keep writing this story for good
And send you mysterious letters.
Discover the worlds that my verses create
For you to unravel and investigate,
Just keep them, and nothing else matters.
Crimson and Black
I'd sell my heart in paperback,
In verses for perverts to read.
The crimson lines look good on black,
Just like the world behind my lids.
For crimson is my poisoned blood
You'd never want to mix with yours,
For black is my denying heart
That's stained with lies and dead remorse.
Erase my love and drain my mind
Until my memory is void,
I want to be completely blind
To every trifle I enjoyed.
Your gentle touch is like a burn -
I play pretend I'm fine with heat.
I've reached the point of no return,
I find my peace in self-deceit.
Diaries of Mystery
I search for the meaning and sense in your look
While trying to read all your thoughts like a book -
Your mind is a world to discover.
I'm dying to be your creation and muse,
Blue ink on black papers is hiding the truth,
In songs of a desperate lover.
You've turned the gray colors to soft navy blue,
The whole palette is much brighter with you -
The art is in being sincere.
The moment of peace is right where you are,
The brush in your hands does conceal every scar,
My heart is your tapestry, dear.
You've brought me back faith, so hard to retrieve,
Your trust is a reason to breathe and believe,
And I will be thankful forever.
But gratitude only will never quite do,
I think my confessions have proved it all true,
Erasing both now and never.
I'm playing the game of incredible cards
Of red-colored spades just as well as black hearts,
It gives you a reason to fear.
I still let you into my dangerous mind,
I'll easily give you whatever you find
And share the crazy idea.
I dream of a kiss you could plant on my lips,
I dream of your gentle and soft fingertips,
Exploring my skin with much care;
To hear you breathing, to feel your heartbeat
Are such simple things, but I'm dying for it,
Yet I just keep silent and stare.
At times when you feel devastated and sad,
When desperate thoughts make a mess in your head,
Just sink in my arms - it's appeasing.
Whenever you crave for some love and caress,
At moments we all need it badly, I guess,
I keep them for you while I'm breathing.
Duality
The pleasure to speak is my lost privilege,
And now insanity dwells on a page,
However, it's changing the color in days,
Revealing the truth my white pencil portrays.
But I'm getting sick of the poetess' fate,
I only enliven the worlds your create,
Denying the myths you don't want to believe,
Or perpetuate every side of my grief.
Today it's triangular, soon to be square,
Or even linear, in case you are there,
You skillfully play with my changeable mood,
I'd steal such a talent from you if I could.
I paint the reality, live in a dream,
Duality kills me, I just want to scream,
I'll find the salvation when holding you close
I'll speak of my feelings and keep them in prose.
Evening
I'm breathing the smoke of fruit cigarettes,
One's already burnt; I am craving for more.
I'm lighting the last one with no regrets -
If you were beside me, it well could be four.
I'm slowly turning the key in my lock;
It usually takes me two minutes or three,
But I have been blind to the obstinate clock -
Alas, there is no one waiting for me.
My room has no present but treasures the past;
Its walls will recall every breath that we share...
I'm feeling so cold. I break down at last:
My papers will choke on the ink of despair.
My heart's like a violin's sound, unclear;
It's out of tune for a permanent matter.
I'll sign all these verses with only one tear
And seal with a sigh just to send with a letter.
Fire
I used to compare myself with a fire,
So sudden, so restless, so hard to predict -
A definite danger from miles to admire,
The gamut of colors one couldn't depict.
The flame is extinguished. The reason is clear -
I crave for love fuel and only one match.
I'm stronger than every invisible tear
That turns to a raindrop. I'll start from a scratch.
I'll be a good guide for my soulmates-strangers,
A guard for the lost and the ones of this kind,
For anything frail I'll reveal only danger...
However, a match is not easy to find.
Gifting a Dream
You're driving across the mysterious lands,
You're making your way to the sea and the shore.
Let go of the wheel and stretch out your hands -
Your secret desires will call you for more.
Midnight in July.
The boundless sky.
The signs in the violet mist.
The red and green lights
That shine through the nights
To show you dream islands exist.
The island of hope is the first on the way,
I'm waiting for you, I am already there.
With fingers entwined, with the thoughts gone astray
We'll lie by the water in silence and stare.
The sand as a bed.
Black roofs painted red.
A thousand small fireflies.
A bright navy sail.
Sweet scents we inhale.
Your charming and still dreamy guise...
In Lines
Invisible scars.
The blades of your hands.
Repeating old lines of my own.
The well-hidden sense.
The hopeless romance.
The eyes that could gift me the dawn.
The days go by.
Three months till July.
Love, listen, I'm honestly striving
To perpetuate
My fortunate fate,
Still learning the art of surviving.
But I am too weak,
Frail fingers do seek
A chance to entwine for a moment
with yours, then lose hold
And feel this strange cold,
Indulge in a beautiful torment.
The same tragic theme.
I've reached the extreme.
It seems I'll be waiting for ages
Of riddles and signs,
Of love fixed in lines,
Of counting papers and pages.
Lands of Forever
Discover the lands of forever -
Of harmony, beauty and peace;
Your reverie's worth the endeavor
Of searching a moment to seize:
A moment to linger for years,
A perpetuated romance
Of two ever different spheres
That twist in a passionate dance.
This madness and charm are a whole,
As everything's possible there.
This unit will conquer your soul
And liven your dream if you dare.
Unravel the life you desire,
And fortune will paint it for you.
The forces of Water and Fire
Conspire to make it all true.
Life
I miss your voice, so soft and gentle,
The words I hardly figure out
And all our mornings are about -
A cigarette, tea flavored menthol,
The train, the underground noise...
And then - in turn: your eyes, your voice...
A warm embrace, so quick yet tender,
So evanescent, yet desired,
The lurking verses, eve-inspired -
A perfect mix, and I'll surrender.
You'll leave around half past five...
That's it. And, well, it is my life.
Life Replaced
I am drenched in silver smoke
With my weekend brandy mates,
Laughing at the same old jokes,
Taking part in drunk debates.
When my forces get united,
I will leave the noisy bar,
Soon to find myself invited
To a ride in someone's car.
Midnight dates, adventures, strangers,
Mad ideas for some fun,
The temptation of the danger
To be liked by everyone,
Lust, elation, merging faces
Lighten all the darkest days.
But past love's lost scattered traces
Aren't that easy to erase...
Love Secret
The level of pride in my blood is too high,
And shatters of passion are trapped in a shell,
I'm growing older, I cannot deny,
And something unique fills my heart's every cell.
Love sacred, love secret, love ably disguised
Is tormented, ever forbidden, but still
It speaks for itself, it is self-emphasized
At times when I quell it regardless my will.
The distance between us brings love only luck -
I'm close to you in my reverie land,
And when we do meet, I am totally struck
By "devil-may-care" and "just play-pretend".
Madness
I'm riding the cloud of bright blanket dreams,
The coconut smoke entwines with the mist,
The potion of madness in violet streams
Is carving the urge that I cannot resist.
The mysteries find me still lying in bed,
Enjoying the pleasures of drunken grapefruit.
Just several gulps, and a room painted red
Will turn to a princess' incredible suit.
I'm a swift errand girl of my fortunate fate,
When my fantasies leak, the reality hides
In the weirdest world I could ever create
With my eyes tightly shut, with my heart as a guide.
A rose with sharp yet invisible thorns
Will bloom in my gardens in endless July -
The country of fairies and pink unicorns
Beneath the enchanting and welcoming sky.
I trust in the might of the element Earth,
However, the Air attracts me much more.
I'm hovering free, and I feel the rebirth.
This madness is tempting like never before.
I'm a swift errand girl of my fortunate fate,
When my fantasies leak, the reality hides
In the weirdest world I could ever create
With my eyes tightly shut, with my heart as a guide.
I giggle and slap the reality's face,
I found salvation in madness' embrace.
I'm a swift errand girl of my fortunate fate,
When my fantasies leak, the reality hides
In the weirdest world I could ever create
With my eyes tightly shut, with my heart as a guide.
Madness so Sweet
Pearls of fantasies shine in the waters of hope
That February turned tears to.
We will certainly free weakened hands from the ropes
If wonder is all that we do.
Let us build a small ship as a shelter-to-be
And paint it in colors of spring.
It is madness so sweet to spend life on the sea;
I will turn to a siren and sing.
In the song of my heart that will beat twice as fast,
Your own inner voice will reveal.
Reminiscence I'll crave is for ages to last,
I'll gift you a moment to steal.
One Moment
The imprints of your fingers
Have marked a half-full glass.
The sentiment still lingers,
The moment's due to pass.
Your glance can still appear
In my Campari drink
Like blood that's mixed with tears,
Or passion's scarlet ink.
My hand's already missing
Your gentle velvet skin.
My heart is reminiscing
The sweetest little sin -
The dream that made my morning.
Your arms, your voice, your lips
Discover space for yearning...
I'd better go to sleep...
Only Dreaming
My arms held so tightly around your waist
Just spoke for me, as I'd got my lips sealed.
At least they indulged in a new better taste -
Embraced by temptations, I chose to yield.
This night was a blinding exhilarant flash
Of life that's unfiltered, of love that's pristine.
You found the beauty within such a crash,
You planted some hope in the dream world of mine.
But pleasure is gone like this cherry cigar -
The dawn didn't let fortune's secret unfold
Or give me a sign, leading where you are.
A dream half believed in is all that I hold.
Portrait
I'll paint your sweet portrait with tightly shut eyes
With pleasure whenever you ask.
Though hands ever shaking and colder than ice
Do find it a difficult task.
I'll cherish the portrait and hang it above
My empty not warm enough bed
To guard all the secrets of mystery love
And clear the mess in my head.
The mirror that's placed on the opposite wall
Will certainly add to its charm,
My room and your portrait will turn to one whole -
This place will incur no more harm.
Reminiscence
I miss the tune of my ringtone
That no one except us knew;
I went to bed with my cell phone
And dreamt of hearing from you.
Your voice became my sole salvation,
Your breath - the sweetest lullaby.
I miss the waiting at the station,
Observing people passing by,
And then - your smile, a hint to linger
To have a menthol cigarette
I took from cold yet gentle fingers...
And guess what happens in my head
At times I drink that lemon beer
Or white plum wine, or cold ice tea.
I'm holding those mornings dear
And keep all memories with me.
Reverie
I am breaking the vast glassy surface of make-believe seas,
As the moonlight is cutting the throat of scarlet sunrise,
I am screaming my heart out loud, I need to release
All my silently bitter emotions. I pray to the skies
To remain in this world for a lifetime and ruin it then,
In this perfect small drunken creation, in my fairytale,
In the land that's beyond now and never, some time and nowhen
And indulge in the smell of tranquility I can inhale,
Where the past in a twist with the present and future unknown
Is revealed in the blossom of orchids and blue camomiles,
Mighty lightnings of fate never strike in this land of my own,
In this place I'm the only survivor. I'll stay for a while,
Till you come to my shelter and sing me a love serenade,
As you own the key to the gates, and the key is my heart,
First you gift me a dream, then you steal it from me, then you fade,
And I wake. It's another new day. It's another new start.
Sincerity
The times of the rhyming sensations are ceased,
It's no surprise evil love has deceased -
My heart is a chamber with limited space,
Indifference got all my feelings erased.
Frail fibre is used to the memories' blade,
My thirst for your love is about to fade,
Deceiving myself is revealing the truth,
The pain of desire is easy to soothe.
Two opposite planets, two opposite spheres,
Both ruled by denying just being sincere
Will never be one due to different laws.
I have to accept it the way that it goes.
Sincerity stands for the lack of control,
And love never even existed at all.
So what does my poetry speak of, indeed?
Old scars are deprived of the pleasure to bleed.
White on White
Blank papers of bitter today
Do treasure the words white on white;
If they are forbidden to say,
Then my privilege is to write.
I choke on the poison I've drunk,
The root of my love is in grief;
I'm learning the foreigners' tongue
To perpetuate my belief.
The strength of my weakness denies
The myth only half proven true;
The lines that I can't recognize
One day were composed by you.
The sequel could come to an end,
But sanity claims it's too late,
I take all the pain to defend
The worlds my illusions create.
Wings
I raise my swollen eyes to reach your sight,
I try to guess the song that's in your head,
I'm only thinking
Of how I will dream of you tonight,
While looking through the window from my bed,
As always drinking
Plum wine with morning flavor from the glass
You drank from when you came and made my day,
This way it's better.
I scan and gather moments due to pass,
I rhyme the words I cannot simply say
And write a letter.
We all are fallen angels with one wing,
We fly once flesh and souls do entwine,
Let's come together.
A wing is frail, but never ever think
I'll let you fall - I'll gladly give you mine
If yours lacks feathers.
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